I've decided that I meet and possibly exceed all the qualifications to run for Vice President of this country. All I need is the six degrees of separation theory to work for me and I will come to the attention of my party. Then, the Democrats will do the right thing by ditching the respectable, but dull, Joe Biden, and put me on the ticket. I can take on Sarah Palin. Especially if it comes to a cook-off.
Now I will, for you my wonderful public, vet myself. My credentials are as follows:
Education - an even match with Palin. I graduated from a Big Ten school (Indiana) where I helped manage a dorm about the size of Wasilla, Alaska. I went back to graduate school to actually earn a degree in Journalism, as opposed to go into the field totally green. Ooops, I might be overqualified.
Work experience - I worked for two WHOLE years in state government in Indiana. I dealt with difficult people. It was exactly like being a community organizer and a state legislator rolled into one. I traveled the state preaching the gospel of Free Trade, which I guess makes me kind of a righty, but at the time it was hip to be a Clinton centrist. I ate a lot of fried smelt and cobbler in small Indiana towns. Fried smelt is right up there with caribou for eating native cuisine.
Family life - I am married to a man who ran a stop light on his way to a booty call with me when we were dating, but has never driven drunk and does not like to be referred to as "dude". I suppose I get points off for planning the pregnancy of my one child, having genetic testing prior to pregnancy and the triple screen of my FETUS at eleven weeks followed by regular ultrasounds. 'Nuff said.
Fitness - I have a twice-weekly kickboxing workout routine, which means I can fend off my enemies with a surprise uppercut to the ribs and a crescent kick to the head. Jogging, even if you look cute doing it, does not prepare you for an average day on the streets of D.C. It also makes my butt very, very tight. Uh oh, another potential over qualification.
Style - At 38, I look damn good in heels and a skirt, thanks to the kickboxing. I do not have a librarian 'do. I wear my hair in a modified pixie, like the now more stylish and even more beautiful Governess of Michigan. I wear contacts instead of nerd-tech glasses designed hide my crow's feet and me look smarter than I already am, which inches me closer to overqualified.
Life experience - When it comes to facing challenges, I am your woman. For example, Lincoln bought some four pounds of hamburger meat this weekend (you remember hamburger meat? It comes from cows. We raise them, slaughter them in a kind of gross industrial way and eat them here in the Lower 48, but they taste good). Perhaps it was in anticipation of a Labor Day party we never got around to throwing. Perhaps he forgot he is living in household comprised of himself and two quasi-vegetarians. Anyway, I turned it into three meals, including a very delicious Cottage Pie (the beef version of Shepherd's Pie) without breaking a sweat, wearing an apron or pandering to any constituencies. When the leftover potatoes were too few to make the covering, I used hamburger buns soaked in milk because, dammit, didn't you know there is a RECESSION going on? I do. Ingenious and frugal, that's me, the stuff legends (and indigestion) are made of. So, definitely overqualified.
Now go ahead Mr. Obama, keep on saying you will raise my taxes, pull energy out of a magic hat and by all means, keep your elitist distaste for the likes of Sarah Palin. With me, a real American woman, by your side, you will not lose. I am behind you all the way. Because I have to be.
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